My whole life I have learned by trial and error. I grew up in a very dysfunctional, unstable and abusive home. As a child I didn’t realize just how different my life was from everyone else’s. All I knew as a child was that I wanted to be like everyone else. “Normal.” I wanted friends and playdates and birthday parties.
Dropping out of high school at seventeen was never my plan but after leaving Missouri and the small town, small budget education system I soon realized just how much I didn’t know. I tried for a while to make it on what I did know but after being transferred to a alternative school where most of the teachers were worn-out from trying with kids who didn’t care, I just gave up.
Trial and error, if I had it to do over again I would have searched harder for the help I needed.
This was just the beginning of my long list of realizations. Heck to this day I still occasionally stop and think about how my current actions are out of character for the society “norm”. Learning by trial and error my whole life has cost me a lot. A lot of great people, potential friends, relationships and even extended family.
I grew up in a house where our breakfast small talk was all lies. This is not just a saying, I literally mean the adults in my life sat at the table in the morning and lied to each other about the previous days events. That being said, lying has killed most of my personal and a few professional relationships.
Yes, I knew lying was wrong, everyone does. I was yelled at on a daily basis by the adults in my life for lying but I was just following the example being given to me. I knew what I was doing but at the time I had no idea why. It seemed like a compulsion at times. I would open my mouth and just lie my ass off for no reason. Trial and error, took over ten years to start kicking in with some help from therapy and self awareness. I was in my twenties before I was officially able to smile as I talked about MY life.
Why am I telling you all of this?
It is relevant. As I’ve overcome many things in my life. Had to relearn life sessions over and over at times. I’ve had to break bad habits that I have had as long as I remember. Growing up in an abusive home takes tolls on the mind that sometimes you, yourself aren’t always aware until years later.
Here is where I get closer to my point. Anger has always been my go to emotion for almost twelve years. Hurt my feelings, angry. Family member dies, angry. Insult me, angry. Before my go to emotion was anger, it was crying. I was very sensitive and over emotional as a child. Every little thing made me cry except for most physical pain.
Still not seeing where I’m going with this?
Trial and error, trial and error, trial and error ….. I have brought great suffering upon myself many times because I didn’t have the appropriate guidance as a child. I have made huge steps in the past seven years to be the person I was intended to be before life got a hold of me. But nothing pushed me to better myself more than the plus sign on that little stick.
Our son’s future is affected by how interact with him now. He is the most important thing in the world to us and I can’t afford to run my life by trial and error. I know I will mess up, as humans do but I do my due diligence now and the best yet, I’m not alone. I have someone who supports and believes in me. Working as a team as our son grows more each day, has brought my boyfriend and I closer together. Two years feels like a life time when you find the right person.
Trial and error taught me a lot, as I’ve learned most lessons the hard way. It showed me that I didn’t want things like alcohol, big parties and fake people in my life. It showed me that distrust, disrespect and disregard for each others feelings were things I didn’t want in a relationship. These are things I want my son to learn, my only wish is that he learns most of them the easy way. I know he’ll make his own decisions in the end and all I can do is lead by example and hope for the best!
You may not understand all this post was intended to tell you. Some experience are hard to relay. I hope this post was encouraging for others who are or have gone through similar situations and for you others I hope it has shined a light on a new side of things.
That’s about all I have time for today but I hope you all will be back tomorrow and I’d love you hear from you. Questions, comments or ideas.
Thank you for reading, now go get your mom on!
Blog of the Mom